Have you ever noticed that when best friends get together, they tend to act and even sound alike? It’s often described as ‘chemistry’ or ‘a positive vibe’, but there’s a simple evolutionary mechanism behind the phenomenon—mirroring is the name! Behavioral research show that mirroring and matching—copying other people’s body language, mannerisms, and repeating their words— helps build trust and establishes rapport. Charismatic people who are masterful in the art of developing rapport do this instinctively but matching and mirroring can be learned and is a skill that you can cultivate, hone, and use over a lifetime to improve relationships in every aspect of your life (Ascend nonprofits, 2012).
Mirroring and matching are techniques widely used in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, or NLP, an interpersonal communication model created by Richard Bandler and John Grinder in the 1970s. The idea is that people feel most comfortable around those who are like them – they feel that their point of view is understood. The more someone believes you are like them, the easier it is to develop trust and rapport at the unconscious level. Mirroring refers to the simultaneous ‘copying’ of the behavior of another person, as if reflecting their movements back to them. When done with respect and discretion, mirroring creates a positive feeling and responsiveness in you and others. Matching, on the other hand, can have a built-in ‘time lag’. For example, if a seated client uncrosses his legs and leans slightly inward while speaking, you should wait for a few seconds and then discretely adopt the same posture(Ascend nonprofits, 2012).
The most prudent of establishing rapport quickly is to mirror and match the most unconscious elements of a person’s behavior during communication, such as physiology and tonality. Together, these two elements comprise an estimated 93% of our communication. Paying attention to just these two elements can make you most like the other person without their being aware that this is occurring – that’s the key to success (Ascend nonprofits, 2012).
According to Stepcase Lifehack, one of the most underutilized techniques for being more persuasive is building a good rapport through matching and mirroring. Instead of arguing your point in your own private way, mirror the person you’re talking to in body language, speed of your voice, volume, and even your word choice. You need to be subtle when doing this, but it’s a subconscious way to make the person you’re speaking with more comfortable. If they cross their legs, cross yours. If they speak with hand gestures, you should do the same. It’s not just the physical aspects. Change the volume of your voice and the speed of the conversation to match as well. If they’re talking slowly and in a deep voice, try to do the same. The idea is that you build relationships with people you admire and when you act similar to the person you’re talking to, they subconsciously admire you more (Klosowski, 2012).
Having established that fact, here are ways to perfectly mirror people in order to build rapport with them:
Build Your Connection First
According to Vanessa, the first key to building rapport and a strong connection is to first feel that connection yourself. If you aren’t feeling it, they aren’t it. To start, you want to give the other person your complete attention. Start by fronting the other person, that is, squaring your body so you are directly facing them. They need to literally be the center of your universe. A funny thing about eye-contact, too little and you will seem tentative and too much you might seem creepy. Go for the middle ground. This not only demonstrates your interest level in the other person through your undivided attention, but according to Dr. Kerstin Uväs-Moberg in his book The Oxytocin Factor, making eye contact releases Oxytocin, the hormone that creates those warm feelings we feel when making a close connection (Vanessa, 2018).
Pace and volume
Many times, people think of mirroring as mimicking physical actions, but mirroring refers to all non-verbals. Start with mirroring the pace and volume of the other person’s speech. If they are a superfast talker and loud, increase your volume and animation to match theirs. If they are soft, slow and more relaxed, match them at this level instead. Pace and volume matching is easy to do and much less obvious than physical mimicry (Vanessa, 2018).
Identify their Punctuator
Because you have been carefully paying attention to the person you’re mirroring with the entire time, you will have noticed a favorite punctuator that the other person uses to make a point. It could be an eyebrow flash (quick raise of the eyebrows) or some type of hand gesture like politicians often use. Here’s a story of how Vanessa used a punctuator: “Earlier this year when I was having lunch with a physician who was pitching a public, private and institutional partnership, I noticed that when he was particularly adamant about an issue, he would bring both hands in front of his body and thrust them vigorously up and down. As he spoke, I prompted him on by nodding in pace with his plea and when he came to his conclusion, I mimicked his double-handed gesture as he made it himself. He stopped, looked at me, cocked his head and said “Yes! You understand it completely!” and smiled with a nod.”
The fact is that she hadn’t said a single word, yet the man had assurance of her understanding his point.
Testing the Connection
This last part is optional, but if you really want to test your connection, make an overt action unrelated to your conversation and see if it is mirrored back. Vanessa, the lead investigator at Science of People, narrates that during a break after she had delivered a keynote speech, an audience member approached her and they did have a discussion on the similarities their fathers had during the World War II, which they had both participated in. At a point, when the audience member was talking, Vanessa had an irritating itch on her nose which she quickly scratched but then, she noticed him reached up and scratched his nose all the while continuing on with his story. It seemed so out of place, Vanessa decided to test this to see if it was a fluke. A moment later, she scratched her head and he suddenly did exactly the same thing. It was so odd, that according to her, she almost laughed out loud (Vanessa, 2018).
References
Ascendnonprofits (2012). The Art of Building Rapport, Part I: Mirroring and Matching. Retrieved from https://coachingandthejourney.wordpress.com/2012/10/22/the-art-of-building-rapport-part-i-mirroring-matching/
Klosowski, T (2012). Use Mirroring and Matching to Build a Good Rapport and Become More Persuasive. Retrieved from https://lifehacker.com/5894462/use-mirroring-and-matching-to-build-a-good-rapport-and-become-more-persuasive
Vanessa (2018). Mirroring Body Language: 4 Steps to Successfully Mirror Others. Retrieved from https://www.scienceofpeople.com/mirroring/
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